No Contact is usually the first action I will advise you to start doing when trying to get an ex back. No contact is basically cutting off all contact with your ex after a breakup. Yes, that includes the ‘find my iPhone’ feature you are still using as an excuse to track their whereabouts. Although the desire to talk to your ex is strong around this time, this is the moment when you need to apply this technique the most.
But just like every client that I see, I advise them to take this short quiz to determine whether they have any chances of getting back with their ex. Relationships are a lot of work to waste time trying to fix what you can’t fix. Okay! Now that you have determined that you do have a chance with your ex, we will get into more detail about this gem of no contact.
Why No Contact
Breaking up with someone is not one of the easiest things to do. We can safely assume that your ex took the time to think through their decision to break up with you before making it official. They would have done what they believe to be the best thing for them to do at that moment, and so the last thing they want to hear is someone begging them to stay. It makes them feel like their feelings are being undermined and push them further away from you.
In his book, Freakonomics, economist Steven Levitt states that people who made changes to their lives displayed more satisfaction with their decision to change than those who didn’t. And so, instead of fighting your ex on their decision to make this change why don’t you also make changes? There is usually tension after a breakup, and therefore it may be extremely hard to even start conversations about reconciliation. The environment may be hostile making it even harder for anyone to be fully listening to the other enough to want to make a change. The best thing to do in a situation like this is to give them the space that they need. Give them time to process these new changes that they have implemented in their lives.
During this time, you will be focusing on yourself and in zero contact with them which will trigger curiosity about your life. This curiosity will definitely lead to attraction again as you are not pathetically begging for them to stay as if you have no strong sense of self and life without them. It will send out a message that you are confident and secure within yourself, and that is an attractive trait as no one really wants to be dealing with unfounded insecurities. Because breakups are usually unexpected, the shock of them happening can send us into a spiral, resulting in us doing certain things we shouldn’t be necessarily doing after a breakup.
A few things to avoid doing after a breakup:
Begging the person to stay. Remember that you need to respect the person’s decision to go your separate ways irrespective of how much it hurts. This is a sign of maturity and is the opposite of how they would expect you to react. This is how you begin to catch them by surprise.
Being accessible. When you show an ex that you are too available for them even when they expressed their need for a break from you, you may be sending out a message that they can mess with you and get away with it. You want your ex to respect you and commit to you and so it is important to set a boundary that only invites an intentional conversation. This is why avoiding contact with them is important.
Trying to prove a point. There is no need to try and prove that you have quickly moved on and are living your best life as a way to make them jealous. Remember that this person knows you, and they can tell when you aren’t authentic. Take your time to truly live your best life by cutting off contact with them so that your progress isn’t performative.
Let them watch you from a distance and crave getting closer to you again to experience your light.
3 Benefits of No Contact
Relationships require so much of our commitment and attention that at times we neglect ourselves in the process of making sure that we nurture what we have with this person that we love. This may result in us neglecting the things that matter the most to us and bringing us the joy and fulfilment that we usually crave out of life. No contact allows you to not worry about the other person and gives you the opportunity to make you the main character of your life, as you should be.This is the perfect time to start thinking about the different hobbies you may have wanted to take up but never got the chance to previously explore.
Think about the character flaws that you have that you could start improving on and developing better character traits instead.The truth of the matter is that irrespective of what our ex did that led to the breakup, there is a part that we paid as well.You could find that we started communicating less because we were harbouring something that they did against them and instead of expressing our feelings, we resorted to passive aggression, which pushed our partner away and deepened our resentment towards them.This is just one of the many roles we could have played. Another one could be something as challenging to get over as cheating, which may indicate certain inner issues we have that led us to do so, like sexual addictions and commitment issues, amongst other things.
All of this can be fixed but with intention and dedication, and the time you would not have otherwise have had before, had you still been in a relationship with your ex or stalking them endlessly.Think of it as becoming a better person for yourself and a better partner for your love, for when you have been reconciled with them. No one wants to get back with someone and immediately feel like they made the worst mistake ever! You want them to get back with you and be thrilled by the experience of being with you again that they can barely fathom how they even survived being separated from you.
2. Make your Ex React
When you are still pinning over your ex, calling them to find out ‘what happened’ or finding a million excuses to go collect something that you “left” in their apartment as an excuse to see them, you are giving off an energy of desperation. You are saying to your ex that, “I can not survive without you”, and giving them all the power in the process.Now, breakups aren’t easy; trust me, I’ve been dealt with enough to know they have the potential of sucking the life out of you if you let them.As much as you deeply care about your ex and are willing to do as much as you can to get them back, you don’t have to beg them for another chance.Your ex should desire to be with you in the same way that you want them back, and the only way to help them realise how much they need you in their life is by cutting off all contact.
Let them be the ones to constantly wonder what you are doing with your life and still not know because you have cut off all the access that they had to you.When they realise that they cannot easily get to you, they will soon have to decide whether to continue the silence and risk losing you forever or to reach out and fix things whilst they still have a chance. No contact triggers the reaction that you want from them. It is also important to note that there is no timeframe to how long no contact should last; it varies from situation to situation and only lasts until there is no resentment from both parties, which looks different for different people.
3. Create an Action Plan
Another thing that breakups make us is that they have the tendency to make us impulsive. The desperation to get back with our ex gets so heavy that we are willing to do anything and everything that we can do to get them back. This may lead us to do things we may regret later which may also further push our ex away. Be the person with a plan. Control these impulses and urges by choosing to be controlled by the action plan that you will create to design a clear map of how you will make your way back to your partner. Now, each strategy requires you to tailor-make it for the particular situation and is, therefore, best when created with a coach who is experienced in helping people get their ex back. Feel free to book a call with me to get you started on this journey. This plan requires maximum concentration and commitment.
You need to focus on the end goal and not get distracted by your misinformed impulses. Just because you bumped into a mutual friend that told you that your ex is just waiting for you to show up at their door doesn’t mean you need to make your way there! Stick to the plan and play the long game. Instant gratification usually comes with consequences that could have been easily avoided. This isn’t an easy journey but a rewarding one nonetheless.
A few tips to keep in mind when drawing up an action plan:
- Start with what you love for and about yourself
- Bring novelty to your life
- Get a structure to your life
- Make sure you are accountable
- Create self-sufficiency
- Recreate that balance that will attract them
Again, these are just a few tips to keep in mind when working on an action plan but are not the action plan in itself.
Remember, No Contact benefits you in the following manner:
- Gives you an opportunity to grow and become a better person. Allows you to trigger a reaction from your ex that will attract them back to you.Create a clear plan of action on how you will get your ex back.
- Do not forget; the no contact period is an opportunity for you to recreate yourself as you wish and grow into the best version of yourself yet.
- Do not get discouraged by the fear of losing your ex to someone else permanently but rather, be inspired by the transformation that you will experience when the process is over, and you have been reunited with your ex.
How to have a successful no contact
1. Prepare yourself
Like with any new remedy we try, we need to prepare ourselves for everything that comes with using no contact on your ex. No contact is quite challenging and will not be all fun and games. It will not be marshmallow clouds and soft roses. It will be a rewarding experience that will test so much of who you are as a person that you may want to give up at some point. During this time, you will have enough time to reflect on yourself, which may bring up quite a number of triggers that will drain you emotionally.They will force you to feel and face each emotion as it comes. This will not be easy, but it will be beneficial to your healing. It will bring the clarity that you need and open up your perspective to a lot you might have missed before.Letting go is not an easy feat. Especially if it means letting go of someone you loved dearly and had good intentions towards.
This is someone who meant so much to you and letting go of the thought of them may feel like abandoning them in some way or form. It may feel like you are giving up, which is contrary to the truth. You are not giving up; you are just choosing a healthier approach. There will be a lot of distractions that will avail themselves to you around this time. They will offer you a way in which you can manage the pain you feel. These are not necessarily bad, but with every good thing, there is always a polar opposite of it. There are what we call constructive and unconstructive distractions. Unconstructive distractions are the kind to make you feel worse than you probably do, in fact, they end up birthing unhealthy addictions that may permanently destroy your life, like drugs and alcohol.
Although the temptation to go down this route may be high, choosing healthier distractions will give you the best results. These are what we spoke of in self-development, which include learning new things like a new sport, how to bake or even how to dance. Bringing joy back into your life will help you manage the unexpected curve balls that will get thrown at you. Lastly, no one is fully prepared on the field without a coach at their disposal. You need to receive guidance from someone who has the best interests for you as equally as they are committed to making sure you yield the results that you are meant to produce during this team.
You need someone who will be honest with you and honest enough to reel you back in when you start losing your way.Because there will be plenty of urges to give up and do things the ‘easy way.’ But as they say, nothing ever worth it comes easy.
2. Commit yourself
Commitment is making a promise to yourself that you will keep going no matter how hard it gets. When you commit to yourself, you are teaching yourself the importance of being intentional with all you do, which is a characteristic needed in any relationship. You cannot commit to someone else if you can not commit to yourself. How do you expect to give someone something that you do not have within yourself? Most of the time, relationships fail because people do not have the capacity to offer their partners what they want. This is not entirely because they can never offer it to them, but because they have trouble offering it to themselves.
Remember, the first relationship that you have is with yourself. Most of the things that you struggle with, in a relationship are usually things that you struggle with, with your inner self. An example of this is when you have trouble trusting your partner because you think that they will eventually leave you for someone better. Now, unless your partner has given you valid reasons for you to suspect them, these accusations may be coming up as an indication of your insecurities, and because you think that everyone can see them, you start to project them onto your partner.
Therefore understanding that the old adage, ‘you can not pour from an empty cup’ is still relevant to this day will help you to realise the importance of committing to yourself in order to do better when you are in a relationship again. The work is not easy, it is not an overnight solution that you just implement into your life, and you immediately adjust to it. It is a lot of work and a lot of intentionalities. It is about availing yourself to do your part to heal from the breakup and move forward on a much more ‘clean slate.’ Commitment is the discipline to keep on going even when everything else in us is against the uncomfortable change.
3. Redirect your focus
When you first start out on this journey, it is all about your ex. It is all about getting them back, but the harder you hold on to something, the harder it wants to escape you. Love is better cultivated in freedom. There is nothing wrong with wanting your ex back; it is as normal as it can get. Yet centering your life around getting them back is what could be pushing them further away. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is obsessed with them; they do not have a life of their own. What attracts us to other people added on to who they are is how they choose to live their lives. What will attract your ex back to you if all they see is a heartbroken person who cannot fight for themselves enough to get back up and live their best lives.
The desperation may exactly be what chases your partner away. Yes, they want you back, but are they willing to risk their sense of individuality and freedom just so they can be with you? There is no fun in being in a relationship with someone like that. If anything, it becomes draining to the other purpose to become the source of life and purpose to their partner. When you redirect your focus and make this process about your evolution, you will realise that you start to attract the kind of people that you want in your life, and that includes your ex. The message you will be sending out is that you are fulfilled by yourself, and therefore you have the capacity to bring some joy and fulfilment to fulfilment to the other person’s life as well.
During this time, when you are picking up new things about yourself and rediscovering yourself, your partner is probably doing the same, and so you want to demonstrate your ability to grow with every challenge. Life is a series of challenges that we have to constantly get through, and if you can barely bounce back from a breakup, then you may have to prepare for a lifetime on the ground. The only reason your ex will want to come back is if you have qualities that they look for in a partner. This is not to say that pretend to be all the things that he wants in order to get back with them, because no one can pretend for that long.
But rather, we are saying, become the best version of yourself so that your ex does not only return to you, but they also know how to treat you right and with respect, because they see you with and they value it just as much as they value themselves. You will come to learn that losing yourself in a relationship is the quickest way to lose them, and finding yourself is how you get them back.
4. See it through
Given the challenges that come with this process, it is easy for one to start getting feelings of giving up. When you start this, you may be pumped and hyped up at the beginning. The thought of finally doing something to get what you want is exhilarating. You have energy, and at this point, you are convinced that all things are possible, and you are the person to make them possible. But as you start to put into place the action plan you would have created with your coach, you may begin to realise that things are not as easy as you imagined that they would be. Sometimes you will feel absolutely fine that it will not make sense to you why you cannot just reach out to your ex already.
You may have days when your intuition is telling you that there is no harm in texting them, after all, how will they know you have changed if they still do not have access to you. You may also worry about the possibility of them moving on and forgetting about you completely. Although your fear is valid and that is most likely to happen, understand that them moving on could not have been prevented by your availability; if anything, it could have pushed them further away. You cannot control what the other person does or how they respond to the breakup. All you can control is yourself and your response to it. And part of that means going on even when all these fears scream back in your face. You absolutely have the ability to get through anything.
You probably thought you wouldn’t get through high school, but you did. You probably thought you would never fall in love but look at you, you did. And even when you got separated from that love, and you were so heartbroken and thought that you would never be able to get back up again, you went ahead and managed to wake up to see today. Not only that, but you also made the decision to look up ways to enact this change. You took the initiative. And now that you are getting started on it, there’s no way you won’t be able to see it through.As long as you focus on one day at a time and give it your best shot. Success is a series of accomplished small milestones that build-up to the end goal.
Don’t get distracted by the end; it usually looks further away from us and unattainable; rather focus on what is close to you and in no time, you will come to realise that you have reached your destination.
No contact is here to serve you, not to make you lose out on the love of your life. When you embrace the principles shared in this guide and open yourself up to implementing them in your life, you will come to learn that this is a technique that served you better than you would have thought.
It is therefore important to apply yourself fully to making this work in order to start seeing the results and reaping its benefits.
Chaudhary, A. (2020, November 27). 5 Signs The No-Contact Rule Is Working. Bonobology.com.
Singh, M. (2015, January 13). Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, But Science Can Help. NPR.
Why Is the No Contact Rule so Effective? (2020). Upjourney.com.
Why the No Contact Rule Works (and How to Do It). (2021, October 5). Develop Good Habits.